Fear and Love

I had a boyfriend once who made me wonderfully painful and depressing love song cd's that tracked the progression of our relationship - they were very sweet and I treasure them but God knows I live in my head enough without the need to listen to dark songs by Warhol muse, Nico, The Velvet Underground and Nick Drake (who killed himself WITH ANTIDEPRESSANTS - now THAT is sad!).

Anyway, one of the songs he recorded for me was by a band called Morcheeba and titled "Fear and Love" - the lyrics have stuck with me over the years and really resonate now - I think he was trying to tell me something that at the time I did not have the ability to embrace or take action on because I lived so much in fear. Here are start of lyrics: "We always have a choice. Or at least I think we do. We can always use our voice. I thought this to be true. We can live in fear. Extend ourselves to love. We can fall below. Or lift ourselves above. Fear can stop you loving. Love can stop your fear. Fear can stop you loving. But it's not always that clear."

This blog stuff - my approach to it - feels a bit inauthentic at times. I feel like I am supposed to write stuff like above to make a profound point. And I wonder why the need to post this all over the Internet - Will potential employers read and think I am nuts? But maybe there is something to share here = that we all feel the same stuff we just feel alone sometimes in our feelings - because of FEAR. The bottomline is this - when we are afraid, we are not living in the present and can't be happy - I know because I do it especially in the area of love. I get afraid to be vulnerable and hide myself and I miss out on love and connection at times as a result. I think I am afraid to show all facets of me for fear I will be rejected. I am very aware of this part of me and am working to kick this fear in its own ass by speaking my truth and taking risks in talking about my feelings when I am scared. Every time I do this I find I am met with love and compassion and connect with people on a much deeper level.

This is rambling and I feel the need to end on something clever but really I don't want to and in my not wanting to I am thinking that is even more clever - SEE HOW MUCH I AM IN MY HEAD! Good Lord - goodnight :)