so, the damn computer wouldn't start and my blinding headache that has been with me for days (due to the grieving of a relationship that hit a bump in the road and i am sad about, p.s. i know this relationship will be healed, i love this person very much) - was suddenly back. "this computer is a piece of crap and the MAC people can suck it" - thoughts like this streamed through my mind as i drove back to the store.
so i got to the store and the repair team got to work immediately on the problem. they pressed the start button - hard - and the computer fired up immediately. that was the problem. the start button needed to be treated more aggressively. and now the f'ing computer is fixed. and i am sitting here writing this because i feel like an ass so this blog's purpose is to make me feel like i have done something productive with this experience. SO - here's what i learned from this start button that needed to be pressed harder to make the computer work - the computer could handle it. and that is a metaphor for life in a way (and relates to a conversation i had with a dear friend today - thank you, mw). sometimes in life it is okay to push harder, to ask more loudly, with more power, for what you want - be more demanding of yourself and others - not in an asshole way - but in a way that serves you and makes clear what you need. because other people can handle it, you can handle it and the universe wants you to be in your full power and show all of yourself and thrive.
i needed to be reminded of this because i have tucked away this more forceful, tougher part of me for a bit - i have remembered this part of myself over the past few weeks dealing with the relationship thing - how getting clear and asking for what you want is so important and liberating and honest and beautiful - and that i am tough enough to handle all of me - eureka!!! i realize now that i'd forgotten about this part, i think a part of me thought it might come out as negative or without consciousness and i don't like overly aggressive people - i forgot that i am conscious and thoughtful and loving. carl jung (famous psychologist) calls these parts of us we are afraid to embrace, our shadow selves, those are the parts that need to be brought out so we are whole. it's like this: when you like something in another person or are really annoyed by a quality in another person, jung believed the reason these things strike you is because they are parts of you that need to be expressed and in that expression you are all of you - and that equals happiness.
so this little MAC start button that can take tough handling, reminded me that i need to bring this part of myself back a little bit - the east coast Tara that speaks out clearly for her needs/recognizes them earlier on, and knows herself - she's out. and this part combined with this softer, lovely, feminine me that i love so much will make me a force to be reckoned with. just like my new MAC - soft design, lovely features, but tough enough to be handled roughly.
thank you MAC - who knew you were a therapist and a kick ass computer. :)
