If it scares me, I must do it

It is New Year's Eve and I am sitting on my couch watching The Twilight Zone. I am not fully in a space where I want to write this nor have others read it. It feels a little pretentious to me or presumptuous that I would write something and have others read it - can't I just write in a diary or privately - why does everything have to be exposed?

And yet I continue to write so clearly I get something out of this exposure. Or maybe there is something to this that is meant to reach others?

So here's what's happening - right now, I have a headache from eating organic coco puffs and here's the learning - if you are going to eat coco puffs, just eat the real deal. If you are going to get a blinding headache from sugar - let it be from the worst sugar and chemicals you can find - because at least then you can justify it - F(&* having the pain come from organic cereal served with almond milk!

This year has been so interesting - I have learned sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much about myself. I turned 40, took lots of risks - with boys, with stand-up comedy, with my career. And here in a nutshell is what I learned - I learned that Tara just the way she always was, is a really cool girl. And that my inner voice is wise and has (and always did have) the answers so I will just trust it to guide me - to let my heart lead instead of my fear. I learned and continue to learn to speak more of my truth and that by doing it it creates more intimacy. I feared it would do the opposite - but as my favorite teacher Tony Robbins says - vulnerability is power. And watching that unfold is so beautiful to me. This has been the happiest year of my life.

My motto for 2009 will in part be this - If it scares me, I must do it - you know that feeling you get in your gut when you are not doing what you really want to do or when you know something isn't quite right - well when I feel that feeling - I am going to walk right into what that feeling is. And I am going to go for it. I will also be focusing more on family and friends - I have learned so much from some dear friends and learned that I love to collaborate and be with others and that my success will be a collaboration and I so look forward to more of that in '09.

I am also owning this - my whole life I think I have wanted to be some type of performer - but I never knew before a couple of years ago that I could actually DO what brought me joy and do it in a way that creates love and connection with others. It felt too easy to me or too competitive or I felt guilty because I was having fun or I didn't think I could do it or I didn't know that work was supposed to be my passion. Ridiculous I know but I also know many of us feel that way. So now I know my gift is to be a vessel to help people and the vehicle I am meant to use to do this in part is as a performer with my humor. I am owning that part of me now - I know this is my mission.

I am also owning my feminine power and my beauty. For many years I pushed that away too but now I know that this is a gift and my soul is my beauty and I am fortunate to have my health that can and always has been used for good. So I will honor these parts of me even more.

I have not said everything here - some of my thoughts will be kept just for me. But I do hope this message finds you and helps you in some way in your quest for who you will be in 2009 and everyday. My father was a very wise person - he understood that life didn't have to be dramatic to find the answers and you didn't have to seek out gurus - WE ARE the guru. We are all we need. I finally get that. And it brings me great peace.

So I don't know what here might speak to you but even if I've helped you to avoid a blinding headache from organic coco puffs then my job is done. Happy New Year!! - Tara