What I learned from my MAC start button

i am writing this blog from the MAC store at the Grove Mall here in los angeles. i am a first time MAC buyer - i like to buck trends - but today i succumbed and was so damn excited. my other laptop had died and all data lost. so i was thrilled for this new precious piece of technology i'd heard so much about - until i got home, opened up my MAC and it wouldn't turn on. i didn't want to press the start/on button too hard because i didn't want to break it and have another broken computer on my hands. i also like to approach things in a balanced, softer way and not with hard driving edge that is overly aggressive.

so, the damn computer wouldn't start and my blinding headache that has been with me for days (due to the grieving of a relationship that hit a bump in the road and i am sad about, p.s. i know this relationship will be healed, i love this person very much) - was suddenly back. "this computer is a piece of crap and the MAC people can suck it" - thoughts like this streamed through my mind as i drove back to the store.

so i got to the store and the repair team got to work immediately on the problem. they pressed the start button - hard - and the computer fired up immediately. that was the problem. the start button needed to be treated more aggressively. and now the f'ing computer is fixed. and i am sitting here writing this because i feel like an ass so this blog's purpose is to make me feel like i have done something productive with this experience. SO - here's what i learned from this start button that needed to be pressed harder to make the computer work - the computer could handle it. and that is a metaphor for life in a way (and relates to a conversation i had with a dear friend today - thank you, mw). sometimes in life it is okay to push harder, to ask more loudly, with more power, for what you want - be more demanding of yourself and others - not in an asshole way - but in a way that serves you and makes clear what you need. because other people can handle it, you can handle it and the universe wants you to be in your full power and show all of yourself and thrive.

i needed to be reminded of this because i have tucked away this more forceful, tougher part of me for a bit - i have remembered this part of myself over the past few weeks dealing with the relationship thing - how getting clear and asking for what you want is so important and liberating and honest and beautiful - and that i am tough enough to handle all of me - eureka!!! i realize now that i'd forgotten about this part, i think a part of me thought it might come out as negative or without consciousness and i don't like overly aggressive people - i forgot that i am conscious and thoughtful and loving. carl jung (famous psychologist) calls these parts of us we are afraid to embrace, our shadow selves, those are the parts that need to be brought out so we are whole. it's like this: when you like something in another person or are really annoyed by a quality in another person, jung believed the reason these things strike you is because they are parts of you that need to be expressed and in that expression you are all of you - and that equals happiness.

so this little MAC start button that can take tough handling, reminded me that i need to bring this part of myself back a little bit - the east coast Tara that speaks out clearly for her needs/recognizes them earlier on, and knows herself - she's out. and this part combined with this softer, lovely, feminine me that i love so much will make me a force to be reckoned with. just like my new MAC - soft design, lovely features, but tough enough to be handled roughly.

thank you MAC - who knew you were a therapist and a kick ass computer. :)

Focus your energy on what serves you

My focus has been off - relationships and other stuff - distractions that began to take up too much energy and were wearing me down - things I was not clear on and spending so much time trying to figure out when really they didn't need to be figured out right then (patience is not one of my strong suits fellow cage-free fans). Then, I woke up about 4 weeks ago with a strong sense that I needed to be focusing my energy on things that serve me in this moment. I realized my mind had been wanting a distraction to take me away from dealing with other life stuff I need to handle. So I have set aside everything else to just focus on my livelihood. And I gotta tell you - it feels good. So here's my cage-free entry - if something is taking your energy that doesn't feel good or you have some feeling bottled up - let it out - because that energy is very powerful and needs to serve you and fuel you so you can best serve yourself.

Repeat = if you have something in your life that doesn't feel good you might not have the answer/solution that is okay - maybe you just set it aside for a minute to nurture yourself and focus your energy on something that helps you and feels good in your heart - you will know when it feels good in your heart - it is when it is good for you, good for others and serves humanity (according to my favorite Tony Robbins). The other stuff will fall into place when it needs to.

And now, I am going to work on my website. Hope this makes some sense and serves you in some way. Maybe to just know you are not alone in your thinking. :)

Lots of love and good wishes - Tara

Fear and Love

I had a boyfriend once who made me wonderfully painful and depressing love song cd's that tracked the progression of our relationship - they were very sweet and I treasure them but God knows I live in my head enough without the need to listen to dark songs by Warhol muse, Nico, The Velvet Underground and Nick Drake (who killed himself WITH ANTIDEPRESSANTS - now THAT is sad!).

Anyway, one of the songs he recorded for me was by a band called Morcheeba and titled "Fear and Love" - the lyrics have stuck with me over the years and really resonate now - I think he was trying to tell me something that at the time I did not have the ability to embrace or take action on because I lived so much in fear. Here are start of lyrics: "We always have a choice. Or at least I think we do. We can always use our voice. I thought this to be true. We can live in fear. Extend ourselves to love. We can fall below. Or lift ourselves above. Fear can stop you loving. Love can stop your fear. Fear can stop you loving. But it's not always that clear."

This blog stuff - my approach to it - feels a bit inauthentic at times. I feel like I am supposed to write stuff like above to make a profound point. And I wonder why the need to post this all over the Internet - Will potential employers read and think I am nuts? But maybe there is something to share here = that we all feel the same stuff we just feel alone sometimes in our feelings - because of FEAR. The bottomline is this - when we are afraid, we are not living in the present and can't be happy - I know because I do it especially in the area of love. I get afraid to be vulnerable and hide myself and I miss out on love and connection at times as a result. I think I am afraid to show all facets of me for fear I will be rejected. I am very aware of this part of me and am working to kick this fear in its own ass by speaking my truth and taking risks in talking about my feelings when I am scared. Every time I do this I find I am met with love and compassion and connect with people on a much deeper level.

This is rambling and I feel the need to end on something clever but really I don't want to and in my not wanting to I am thinking that is even more clever - SEE HOW MUCH I AM IN MY HEAD! Good Lord - goodnight :)

frustration = breakthrough

i am frustrated right now with a few things in my life. but what i continue to learn is that if i reach out and share what i am dealing with friends and even strangers - i learn that i am not alone with my pain or frustration - that everyone has gone through something similar and can relate. this helps me not sit in the feeling for too long and to take action.

here's one more thing - tony robbins - peak performance coach - says that when we are frustrated we are about to have a breakthrough. here's what i think my breakthrough is to get me through it all, including relationships - i am going to operate from love and not fear with people - because i think that makes me more truthful and vulnerable and ultimately creates more intimacy. fear clouds my mind and makes me hesitate on what i really want to say and who i really am.

so from fear to love is theme - that is all i have right now - hope this makes some sense.

t

In the dark and I am the guru

this blog will be all lowercase. this might drive my friend sarah nuts - she edits my blogs to make sure they are typo free - ha!

so i am sitting in the dark right now - i just meditated for five minutes - i did one recommended by sarah (talented meditation teacher and practitioner) called shamata. basically you focus on one point. and keep bringing yourself back to this focus. i keep getting these messages from the universe about meditating - from sarah, people showing up who are into this stuff. so i will try it for one month from this day.

during the meditation i heard lots of noises, was distracted many times by thoughts of money, my family, a boy i liked who i haven't heard from, wondered when the meditation would end. but i did feel a sense of peace being with myself.

i am not going to overthink this. i am just going to write what comes up for me. i don't know if i want to write about it all here - i will decide as i go.

that's it for now. except for this thought - what i am experiencing is this and this didn't come from the meditation - we've got teachers and mentors we learn from - but we are each our own guru - i finally get this and embrace it.

do you meditate? tell me more.

PMS, Perimenopausal rage and honoring thyself

I have raging PMS and am on deadline but I had to break for a moment to write this week's installment - in part because I have PMS and have no ability to focus.

Today I went to my doctor to get relief to this problem and her first response was to put me on the birth control pill. Here's what I did with this ignorant approach to 'helping' women deal with issues of pre-menopause - which is what I am really going through.

I took my anger over her inability to properly answer my questions and I wrote an e-mail to people I know in the health care industry - people who run hospitals. I told them about this issue - of doctors not communicating well with patients and of the lack of clear information regarding how are bodies change as we approach menopause - and then I offered solutions - I know they will be heard and taken seriously and lead to change. I am telling you this because here's the thing - when shit happens to us we can either let it consume us and be the victim or we can grab that pain by the horns and use it to help not only us but other people. I am not telling you this to toot my own horn by mainly to say - we have a greater responsibility here than us - our job in my opinion - is to use what we go through as a learning point to help not just us but everybody else. Obama touched upon this today in his speech. And someone on Oprah said 'be responsible for the energy you put out into the universe.' I love that and I believe it. So I took the frustration of not knowing how to deal YET with this hormonal issue of mine that keeps heightening and as I find the answers, I will share it in my comedy to communicate what I learn in productive way. And I will work behind the scenes communicating with decisionmakers to help shift the health care system in even the smallest way to make it better for all of us.

I don't always do this perfectly in all areas of my life - I am a work in progress. But I can tell you this - I do take full responsibility for the being the cause of everything in my life instead of being a victim. And there is something very empowering about that vantage point.

Here's one more note - it's from Shakespeare - and I love it and I live by this because it is so true: "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." My take on this is - if you are true to yourself then the universe works with you to succeed aka honor yourself and all of your energy will be aligned to empower you. I learned a lot about this last year when I made a few choices in boy department that were not aligned with me. Once I realigned - everything came together nicely. I needed to remind myself of this right now so I am just sharing with you.

One thing I really notice about this 'time of the month' and as I re-read this entry before sending - my emotions are very heightened - in a beautiful way in some respects - because they heighten my love for myself and what I stand for and really make me speak my truth right in the moment - LOVE THAT SO MUCH (and watch out whoever I come into contact with in next couple days - YEOW). And that is a really cool way to try and look at this PMS/perimenopause/hormone thing.

So this rambling might be scattered and my brain a little too, my alignment with myself is extremely focused. Love it!

Now back to my deadline - OMG

Vulnerability is power

"If you like pina coladas and gettin' caught in the rain, if you're not into health food, if you must drink champagne. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes at the Cape, I'm the lady you've looked for come with me and escape..." (lyrics are probably totally off but you get the point)

I heard that song today while parking my car and sat and listened to it - I'd never really listened to lyrics before - basically it's about a guy who is disillusioned in his romance with his girlfriend. As he's reading the paper, he spots a personal ad by a girl who is looking for guy to sip pina coladas with her and have some fun adventures. So he decides to respond to the personal ad and meets up with her at a bar only to discover it's his girfriend - she was looking for same thing. Very cute. They never knew this about each other. And why is that?

Because they didn't communicate their needs to one another !!! I have done that many times over the years in relationships - all out of fear - fear of being rejected I believe. So part of my mantra for this year is to be completely vulnerable. I am able to do this onstage easily with stand-up comedy but in real life I sometimes will shut down if I get scared emotionally. This past fall I was presented with a really good opportunity to face that fear head on - I actually asked the universe to give me the opportunity to face it, that I was ready (I do shout outs to the universe for the things I need) and the universe delivered with a bang = love IT. Here's how it went down - I attended an event with someone I was dating, we had just stopped dating and we ran into another woman he had also recently dated - he was mortified having us all in same room and I wanted to run away or shut down as I had in the past - I didn't like to face pain in the past. But this time, I didn't run, I stayed for the event and at the end of the evening instead of shutting down emotionally out of fear or hurt, I walked into the pain and shared everything I was feeling from the most vulnerable place. The most important thing = I didn't make it about him and what he did or didn't do wrong - I made it about me and my needs because really that is what it was about - how my being placed in scary situations made me pull away or shut down. So I shared everything with him about this issue of mine from the deepest place within me. We talked for a long time. And then something really cool happened - he shared things about himself with me from his most vulnerable place. And it created a beautiful space to communicate with each other. Through the pain and fear when there was vulnerability and honesty it created deep intimacy between us.

Lovely. Painful. But lovely.

So that is a big part of my quest this 2009 - complete vulnerability and honesty at all times. I know it is important to my growth. I want to sip pina coladas with the man I choose to be with - we might try some stronger stuff too like tequila and he won't have to read what I like in a personal ad - I am going to let him know - I'll spring some surprises on him to keep it interesting and my raging PMS will help keep him on his toes but overall I will be a clear communicator and I will try always to walk through any pain to express my feelings in a quest for vulnerability and true intimacy.

I like talking about love - I really do - I love romance.

I planned to write to you about my week and how I started off in low mood and brought it back up through my nature hikes. The key lesson learned was that being cage-free is like working a muscle - you have to keep at it to keep it in shape - that mind of ours can be a little bastard at times with old programming and keeps us in a cage. I was scared for a minute because I felt low - with all the work I've done I was surprised to be in dark headspace but reminded myself it's normal to have emotions and that now, I have the tools to get out of negative spaces fast and can kick them in the ass - the key is we have to move our bodies (that's why I went for a hike) - our nervous system gets shaken up when we move and that motion allows us to make positive emotional changes faster. So think about that next time you are low - sit up straight, take a deep breath, and get up and move around - force yourself to do it. You will notice immediate change. You may already do this but if not try it - all it takes is minor adjustment physically (posture, breathing, movement) to get yourself to feel better. And on my hikes or when I run and exercise I chant positive affirmations to myself. There is something about this that is proven to be more effective than just saying an affirmation to yourself while in restful state. It gets into your body faster if you say it while you move. So I will run or hike and say things to myself like "All I need is within me now" - I chant it out loud (in low voice so no one thinks I am nuts) kind of like military cadences (I believe that is what they are called).

That's it for now - I will be back next week. Until then, have a great week and do tell me what's happening with you when you have a minute by commenting back.

If it scares me, I must do it

It is New Year's Eve and I am sitting on my couch watching The Twilight Zone. I am not fully in a space where I want to write this nor have others read it. It feels a little pretentious to me or presumptuous that I would write something and have others read it - can't I just write in a diary or privately - why does everything have to be exposed?

And yet I continue to write so clearly I get something out of this exposure. Or maybe there is something to this that is meant to reach others?

So here's what's happening - right now, I have a headache from eating organic coco puffs and here's the learning - if you are going to eat coco puffs, just eat the real deal. If you are going to get a blinding headache from sugar - let it be from the worst sugar and chemicals you can find - because at least then you can justify it - F(&* having the pain come from organic cereal served with almond milk!

This year has been so interesting - I have learned sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much about myself. I turned 40, took lots of risks - with boys, with stand-up comedy, with my career. And here in a nutshell is what I learned - I learned that Tara just the way she always was, is a really cool girl. And that my inner voice is wise and has (and always did have) the answers so I will just trust it to guide me - to let my heart lead instead of my fear. I learned and continue to learn to speak more of my truth and that by doing it it creates more intimacy. I feared it would do the opposite - but as my favorite teacher Tony Robbins says - vulnerability is power. And watching that unfold is so beautiful to me. This has been the happiest year of my life.

My motto for 2009 will in part be this - If it scares me, I must do it - you know that feeling you get in your gut when you are not doing what you really want to do or when you know something isn't quite right - well when I feel that feeling - I am going to walk right into what that feeling is. And I am going to go for it. I will also be focusing more on family and friends - I have learned so much from some dear friends and learned that I love to collaborate and be with others and that my success will be a collaboration and I so look forward to more of that in '09.

I am also owning this - my whole life I think I have wanted to be some type of performer - but I never knew before a couple of years ago that I could actually DO what brought me joy and do it in a way that creates love and connection with others. It felt too easy to me or too competitive or I felt guilty because I was having fun or I didn't think I could do it or I didn't know that work was supposed to be my passion. Ridiculous I know but I also know many of us feel that way. So now I know my gift is to be a vessel to help people and the vehicle I am meant to use to do this in part is as a performer with my humor. I am owning that part of me now - I know this is my mission.

I am also owning my feminine power and my beauty. For many years I pushed that away too but now I know that this is a gift and my soul is my beauty and I am fortunate to have my health that can and always has been used for good. So I will honor these parts of me even more.

I have not said everything here - some of my thoughts will be kept just for me. But I do hope this message finds you and helps you in some way in your quest for who you will be in 2009 and everyday. My father was a very wise person - he understood that life didn't have to be dramatic to find the answers and you didn't have to seek out gurus - WE ARE the guru. We are all we need. I finally get that. And it brings me great peace.

So I don't know what here might speak to you but even if I've helped you to avoid a blinding headache from organic coco puffs then my job is done. Happy New Year!! - Tara